Not Satisfied

Driving in my car today, I had a revelation that saddened me to the core. I want nothing more than to know God, have Him be my everything... but I'm not there yet.
I'm not satisfied with God alone. This dumb world has gripped my soul in ways that I always heard could happen but didn't realize I'd experience.
Here's a few examples:
. I got to have some alone-time this weekend. I had a few things to do, but the majority of the weekend was just me and my sweet dog Pickles. There are MANY weeks that I'd yearn for time like that... quiet, nothing pressing on my to-do list... but this time, it drove me to loneliness and doubt. It was Satan at his best; he took my desires (to have time to myself, to rest, to be quiet and enjoy my home) and turned them around into an unsatisfactory state.
. I'm feeling the effects of the money-crunch. I'm 'budget queen' but sometimes I'm not sure where they money comes and goes. This thought and statement is very unlike me. I KNOW where I am financially; I know where I'm spending and saving. It might have something to do with the economy, but it has a lot to do with there are many things tugging at me and I've begun to worry about money. My pocketbook is not my idol, but lately I've worried and thought about my budget so much that it's become consuming. Thanks again Satan for taking the blessings in my life and making them sources of stress.
. Time for friends has become less and less lately. During the holiday season, friends spend time with family. But, this time of celebration brings doubt about my own life. Where are my true friends that stick beside me, that want to hangout, that call just to say hello? This doesn't happen much anymore; it might be because I love my alone-time so much that I don't seek this out anymore, it might be that people think I'm too busy, it might be that I don't invest enough time into friend relationships. Yet again, Satan has taken my mind off of the reality that I have lots of people who care about me, and turned it into... no one truly cares.

This is not surrender. Living my life as a worrier, as one that doubts, as one that has to have more is NOT being satisfied in Christ. I want Him to be the only one I desire. I want Him to be the one that I yearn to spend time with. I want Him to be the one that I cling to, but right now, that's not where I'm at.
I want to earn more money... so that I can go back to Africa.
I want to spend time with friends... so that I can feel fulfilled.
I want to learn to rest in Him... so that I can KNOW Him more!

I'm not satisfied with being not satisfied.