hang on Lord!

Been back in the US for less than a week. My time has been wonderful and hard - I LOVE seeing all my old friends and family, getting to update people about the work Living Hope is doing and the things God has on my agenda for 2011, but it's also been difficult to put it all into words; it's been difficult to see the life I left and remember how good I had it. I don't want to come back to the US, I don't want to live here at this stage of my life, but I'm driving around a borrowed really awesome car, I'm being treated to some awesome meals and amazing conversation with people that know and love me, and I'm getting thoughts in my head like, "humm... I could get used to this lifestyle again." WAIT! I don't want to think that way. I know what life is like in the US and it's not all glamor and wonderful reunions. Life in the US, just like South Africa, is tough and is full of 'this fallen world.' However, I forgot how nice the abundance is.
Today I woke up craving for time in the Word. Instead of grabbing my Bible, I jetted out the door to my first 'hangout time' and didn't follow my heart and take time to hear from the Lord. As I drove to and from places all day, I would talk to the Lord and tell Him how much I hated being so 'scheduled' and busy - He reminded me my entire life was like that when I lived in the US ... but that was normal and I didn't really notice it. My now, very simplistic life in South Africa has shown me how to really manage my time, put my priorities in line, pay attention to what really matters. I'm ashamed to say that in a life full of ministry in the US, I lacked the deep, dependency I now have on the Lord. When I was living in the US, I was very dependent upon ME; I looked to ME to provide. It's like I used to go from meeting to meeting, event to event, work place to social-life- telling the Lord to 'hang on.' I asked Him to wait for my schedule, wait for my time, wait for me to be ready to listen. I can't believe I asked the Lord to 'hang on.' I'm truly ashamed. My line of work now - working in Capricorn, helping with a church-plant, working with AIDS orphans and vulnerable-valuable children - makes me depend on the Lord for every breath. I'm not capable of doing anything on my own strength or own knowledge. This visit to the US has opened my eyes to many lessons I didn't even know I'd learned this past year. 2010 really changed me, and I'm beginning to see how.