Expectations leading to disappointment

I'm struggling between two very difficult scenarios in ministry: the balance between hopeful expectations and disappointment. Since being in South Africa, I've had great hopes for the Capricorn Community to have revival, for teen-ministry and the next generation of leaders, for seeing a church-plant rise and grow into a 'serving church.' My hopes and God-filled dreams are still there for all those people, but I'm currently hit with the dichotomy of wanting to continue to have hopeful expectations (in people, church, the state of our community) and being realistic and ready for disappointment in those people, in the outcomes of church meetings/events and disgusted with the continued state of our community.

I think I've come to this 'disappointing state' because of the lack of visible results in the past year. My head knows that it's the spiritual, internal results and seeds that are planted that matter, but my heart and spirit want to see visible results too. I've been let down by so many, I've had great expectations in things like the attendance of events, and I've even had people that served and loved the Lord turn from Him and leave the church for selfish reasons. I've found that these episodes have built an expectation of disappointment – I enter meetings and even worship with low hopes – as if I've given up expecting to see change. My heart still believes that God can do anything and is more powerful than apathy, but my experience here in South Africa has made me doubt people and their commitment and willingness to whole-heartedly serve the church and the body-of-Christ.

I'm disappointed not only in the people here, but I'm disappointed in myself. How little is my faith? I'm constantly expecting 'the worst.' I don't want to live in this sort of expectation. I want to live as if at every worship service, God in bodily presence is going to show up and do miracles. I want to look at the teens of Capricorn and see their potential and see what God wants to do with their life. I want to plan and help our church members as if I were serving Christ – Matthew 25:40 "… as you did to the least of these brothers, you did it to me."

I've been on the field in South Africa for 15 months. If anything, I feel that my work has just begun here. God is doing great things – slowly – and of course in His time. I just felt the need to express how worn the task of loving a 'hopeless people' can be. I long for our church members to rise up and take ownership of worship, I want our community to be broken for their sin, I want teens and adults to seriously turn from their lives of deliberate sin and run to the cross in surrender. I'm tired of people coming to Christ for what He can give, and when God chooses not to give, they turn – as if Jesus isn't enough – they want His 'things.'

 I'm thankful to still have a burden for this community – and if anything it's grown even more within this year-plus. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be in South Africa to minister. I'm just weary in the waiting. I'm holding on to faith that God will grab the hearts of those that are His in His timing. Until then, I'm praying for endurance and the ability to continue in watering seeds – even if the watering comes through tears.