Hardest Goodbye Yet

It's taken me awhile to put this down in words. Thank you to those who read the blog; forgive me for delaying new posts. It's been a hard transition back.

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Because I travel a lot for business, fundraising, and needed-home-time, I have to say goodbyes often. I usually have mixed emotions; it's so nice to visit friends, but I usually long for my world on the field. Field-life is simpler, less rushed. 

However, this trip to the USA was different. 

I arrived in Birmingham on Dec 24, 2013. The cold air hit me as I exited the plane, and I was so excited about Christmas. People rolled out the red-carpet and gave me the most amazing American Christmas! There were parties, chats, movies, Christmas lights, road-trips and memories I'll never forget. It was so nice to catch up and spend time with people who are truly united in spirit and mission.

Three weeks later, reality hit. While getting ready to say good-bye, I broke. 

Looking back to how I got to this place threw me into tears. When I first boarded the plane in Jan 2010, I was excited. I had hope that there was a job to be done and people that wanted me to come and work beside them. That was naive. Some of my family weren't too happy that I was leaving for this season, but I knew God had called me and with that confidence, I went. 

A year passed and I came home for a short visit. I was so happy to be back and able to report what was really going on in South Africa. That first year shook me. I was more burdened about this journey because there was so much to be done, and I wanted to think I could change things. But, I found little fruit for the year. I needed to carry on, so I did.

The second year was full of spiritual warfare, physical sickness and battles of all kinds. I continued in the faith that God had me in South Africa for a reason, but I felt like I was crawling. 

The third year brought a lot of change. I left the non-profit I originally came to serve, and with that was another large transition. I was floundering to remember why I came to South Africa. Mentally I was spent. I needed to change focus and give more time to the ministries that were bearing fruit. Many asked, "why not just go home instead of changing focus?" Quitting and going back was not the answer. I felt I needed to persevere. I'd built a lot of trust and relationships in the community - these people needed stable, loving relationships, and to leave would be detrimental to the work accomplished. One wise friend reminded me, "God's often in the bait and switch. You think you're going to do one thing, but He's really trying to get you there - any way you'll come - so that you can do His original purpose." I totally understood that. God used that non-profit to get me to South Africa. I wasn't to stay there. I actually learned a lot of hard lessons there that I needed for the road ahead.

So, year 3 and 4 were solely about The Church and community-transformation! A whole new learning curve for me. New team, new pace, new challenges. While being immersed totally in what I feel God called me to do, I felt in a tail-spin the whole time. Working with broken people in a poverty community was often difficult to wrap my head around. 

Year 4 has come and gone. I continue to state my mantra, "Africa is changing me more than I'm changing Africa." I've been molded and shaped. People often tell me that I've mellowed. I've adapted to this culture and sometimes don't recognize myself. Things don't frazzle me like they used to. I take most things in stride and know that flexibility in schedule and expectations are crucial to survival here!

So ...

While saying goodbye to my Birmingham and Atlanta families this time, I realized how long it's been. It's been 4 years since I've been in the USA full-time. It's been 4 years of experiencing the ups and downs of being a stranger in another culture. It's been 4 years since I've had a group of friends. It's been 4 years since I've felt successful. It's been … hard. 

This goodbye was hardest because I knew what I was going back to. I actually didn't want to board that plane. I didn't want to return this time. 

The reality is, I was right. I returned and found myself back in this hard place.

The spiritual warfare is still ripe. The loneliness is alive. The pursuit of relationship and friendship in the community is still met with hardness. The availability of resources are few. The level of commitment is laughable. The problems I see are increasing, and my ability to give is weakening. 

But, God is still here in South Africa and moving in His time. God is building His church. God is changing our church-planting strategy. God is adding people to this journey. God IS!

I got on that plane knowing the reality this time. I came back to South Africa understanding that I have very little to give. My compassion is fatigued, yet I will carry on. 

This was the hardest goodbye yet.