Between Depression

Since March of 2007, I've been battling a flow of Depression. At my very worst, I wrote these words in my journal. I never want to forget where God has delivered me from. I'm still struggling with exhaustion and many effects of Depression, but I'm running toward the light at the end of the tunnel. God has given me new hope and a new song in my mouth. Fall is refreshing and a new season of renewal! Here comes healing!

___________________

8.14.07
afraid to hope again.
I believe in the past because I can't believe in the future.
there's no light.
there's no tunnel.
hope is a foreign noun.
I'm cut by temporary relief in a sin of desperation.
lost in a work of dependence and an unfamiliar joy.
I hold nothing in reserve for myself.
fill me up because the tin can in my head is emptier than my heart.
sweating in the terrors of hopelessness.
What's the price of relief?
I'd pay my soul.
It might have to be done.
Is anyone watching this disaster called life?
love was stolen too soon.
I'm too tired to believe that there's strength if I release.
He breathed life into my soul but right now I can't feel alive.
Forgive me if I don't understand the stale images of perfection.
I sing of surrender and hold onto my sin.
My hands of flesh weigh me down.
Don't leave me with this pain.
Get me out of this home- it's too hot.
Home should be comfortable and free but home isn't where we stay too long.